What exactly does "Letting Go" mean? Anyone? Because I feel I have to let go of many things in order to keep moving forward.
This weekend was a complete downer. Sometimes I have those and it's relatively when I hang on to a lot of things all week or month long and then get a chance to sit and ponder them. I have been doing a bunch of self help reading and googling to find other ways to handle stress or to let go of things I cannot control. Trust me the reading does and has help/ed. It has also taught me all about boundaries. When to care and how not to. When to speak and what to say when I chose to. When to listen and how to learn. I know for a fact I have come a long way in just a few weeks, problem is, I have turned aggressive instead of passive and my tearful emotions are on high alert.
Backing up so you might understand me better. I am on some meds as well for ADHD and Insomnia(created by fears and anxiety). I am not scared of telling anyone this nor have I ever been diagnosed as crazy, just to clarify.!I wear my heart on my sleeve and its never been guarded.....Until Now!
I have to, again have to let go of things. I have to let go of my past, my present and my future. Let me explain...
My Past: I wasted the years from when I graduated high school (2000) until about the day that I met Russ. I don't mean that I regret all of the memories but I would like to destroy more than most of them and relive the ones I actually miss, which would be with my girlfriends not my ex's. If you know me you know that I am very good at forgetting minor events or details. I have a smart phone and I have to set alarms to remind me that I have to mail a bill. :) I however hold on tight to the really good times annnnd the really bad times. I have a hard time gripping reality most of the time.
My Present: With the reality concept, I have a difficult time wanting things that wont be or going places I wont go. I know Hannah Montana says "Life is what you make it"..but I feel stuck. No doubt my head is always high and I have a smile on my face but that's because I am that good at letting things set on the back burner....until the smoke detectors are going off.
I am having a hard time accepting the views of others issues and our friendships, plus my own personal heart break, jealousy, and fears.
My Future: Nobody can tell me exactly what my tomorrow brings. I can read and inspire myself to the end and it doesn't promise me anything. I do live in the moment, I always have! Sometimes it has got me in trouble and sometimes it just works out. However, I am certain that if I live to be old, I will most likely still be employed. Life is short and I spare nothing! I have few great friends and I treasure all the time I get with them. Would I like to pack up and head out with my family to a place I have never been to start fresh in a sense? Sure, who wouldn't? Why not? I think about it a lot and I consider it more than never...We are doing nothing but getting older and like I said before tomorrow is never promised.
So to MY future. I will work harder on letting my past be the past and quit letting it hold me accountable for everything. I will learn how to deal with my present decisions in a positive, powerful way regardless of mine or others choices. I will try not to feel remorse or regret. As I have to do for ME and My loved ones.
This is my solid ramble, remember this is after all MY journal!
Hey lady! I know how you feel... Ever since I got on my meds though I don't feel like that anymore... I don't cry at the drop of a hat, I don't have emotional overloads. Maybe Dr. Sam needs a stern talking to about you!
ReplyDeleteLetting go is so very difficult for all of us. It truly took me forever to get there. I still think I sometimes hang onto tiny bits but soon shake them off so I can press forward. It's a tough thing and all you can do is take one day at a time. My turn around came when I hit 30 but truly set in at about 34. I stay away from ALL things negative and I stopped worrying about EVERYthing that I did not have the power to change. I pray you can get there and you will, time will make it happen. You just keep being the blessing you are and the world will fall into place around you. I promise (((hugs)))
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